Lately I haven’t been sleeping well. Fortunately (or maybe it’s unfortunately), I do know why. 1- I have a boyfriend who is a night owl. 2- My best friend has become one, too. So between staying up with my boyfriend helping him do some deadline-tomorrow tasks, or staying up with my best friend just shooting the breeze, my body has become used to staying up anywhere from 2-4 a.m., and now stubbornly refuses to sleep until those times, even if I get to bed at a decent hour. (Tonight I will be trying some sleep aid to hopefully conquer the situation.)
The point being, last night during one of those bouts of sleeplessness, I stumbled upon a question–a very big question. In fact, I might go so far as to say it is the question that characterizes my life right now:
Who am I?
There are some things I know about myself. For instance, I could choose my photo in a stack of photos. I know my name, age. I know I am a believer. Stuff like that is easy. Stuff like that I know. What I want to know might be better phrased as, “What is in the core of my being that needs to come out?” What is truly me, that, once I discover it, I’ll know what I was made to do?
It seems like when we have an idea of the direction and how we fit into that direction, we tend to move more quickly and confidently. For instance, if I somehow knew I was “destined” to be a banker, I would know certain classes to take in school. I would know where to apply for jobs. I could move with confidence because I knew that’s what I was made for.
My struggle lately is that I do not yet know what I am made for. For awhile, I thought I knew, and it seemed like passion and purpose came much more naturally to me then. These days, it’s like digging for a needle in a haystack. You would think such a basic question would be easier to answer. I know I could avoid it. Goodness knows there are probably countless people who never thought about what impact God had in mind for them to make on this world. They just went for whatever the family wanted. Whatever paid the bills. And now they’re in jobs they hate, but they would never consider quitting. This is why I think for me, it’s better to start wrestling with this now than later.
For a brief second in my thoughts last night, I remembered that at one point Jesus asks His disciples (in essence) the same questions: “Who do people say I am?” The disciples’ answers revealed that the people were on the right track, but hadn’t hit the nail on the head yet. Then He asked them: “Who do you say I am?” For a second, I got my hopes up, thinking maybe Jesus had also had a “core identity” crisis of sorts. However, when Peter says, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God,” Jesus doesn’t say, “Really? Sweet!” Instead, He tells Peter that he is right in his answer. So, not much help there.
I know this is something that I have to go to God about. And this is also something that will probably take some time. Still, I was kinda hoping I would have advanced up to tackling deep theological questions by now. Not something as elementary as “Who am I?”