I’ve been off the fast for 24 hours now. And, though regrettably, by now my gut has abandoned the fleeting flatness that comes with not eating and resumed its former curve, I would still say the fast was definitely a success. And I felt no pains or readjustment awkwardness in reacquainting myself with food.
But seriously, it was a good experience–especially for a first time, and I believe it came at just the right time. The first day was probably the hardest regarding hunger, but the first day was also the day I started getting answers. It’s only been in the past year or two that I’ve really begun to grasp that God wants to speak to me in ways other than the Word, which is of course a blessing and probably a long-overdue realization. Still, one of my biggest fears when I actually do shut up and pause long enough to hear God speak is that I’m not hearing God speak–I’m actually a deluded fool, and it’s me talking to myself, I just don’t realize it. Throw in that God’s method of speaking to me (other than Scripture and other people) is thoughts in my head, and the equation becomes that much more complicated because it involves differentiating my thoughts from His speaking. Therefore, I become paranoid in my prayers. I constantly question the thoughts in my head (“test the spirits”): “Is Jesus the Son of God?” Then I think, “Well, even Satan could tell the truth like that…but I bet he wouldn’t want to admit that he’s going to be defeated.” So, it became “Is Jesus the Son of God, Who will ultimately squash Satan under His feet like the bug he is?” Even if the answer is yes, I still wonder, “What if that was just me?” You can probably see how something so easy can quickly become complicated by the time I get my hands on it, haha. I’m always wary to say with 100% certainty, “That was God. He spoke to me, and He said ___________.” Yes, it sells both God and me short. But hey, just because I’ve been a Christian for a long time doesn’t mean I’m not still learning. We all are. And somehow, I don’t think God’s annoyed. I think He’d rather me seek Him repeatedly than just trust my own judgement completely. If anything, He’s probably amused. I mean, really, think about it:
God: “Michelle, this is God. I want you to do something.”
Me: “God, is that you? Is Jesus the Son of God Who will ultimately squash Satan under His feet like the bug he is?”
God: “Yes. But I want you to do something–”
Me: “Is that really you?”
God: “Yes! But–”
Me: “Maybe it’s me……….are you sure this is God?”
It’s a pretty funny dialog, when ya think about it. But, to avoid prolonging the anticipation any longer, yes for answers. If I heard God right, then yes, I think I got answers to all the questions I had, at least once if not more than once. Yes seminary, yes Canada (and Canada-related matters), and yes Spring Break trip to Canada. (Of course, we still don’t know how we’ll be able to afford the Spring Break trip, and I have yet to hear about money for seminary.) And, yes that my family will be taken care of and I may even know the state of their next destination. This is if I heard God right, of course.
There was one yes I got that was a quite overwhelming. Sorry, no details, but I’ll just say that it’s amazing sometimes how differently we perceive ourselves versus how God sees us. This particular yes was something I don’t see myself as deserving, and definitely something I would never imagine would actually happen. Part of me still doesn’t want to believe it; I still want to be comfortable and hidden and unnoticed, because that’s all I feel I deserve: the comfort of what I know. But, I guess God wouldn’t quite be as awesome if He didn’t continually push us past what we know and proclaim us to be something we don’t see.
I am not the only one who got some answers during the fast, though. The person I was responsible to, my partner in fasting, also experienced some God-overhaulin’. Michelle, I am so glad we did this together. It was great to have an excuse to be so very accountable to each other and be able to say flat out, “This is what I need prayer for today.” I’m glad God used us to speak to each other and confirm things to each other. I hope we can keep up the spirit of fasting, even though we’ve quit the joint-effort act of fasting. “Suck it up and keep going! Push push!”
I’m plugging through coping markings into my new Bible. I’m about to start Luke. Hopefully I can finish before I go back.
5 days til I go back to MC.
11 days til I return to academia and enter “no man’s land” for both the brain and the clock–my last semester. Only the strong survive.
Hey! Maybe this semester will toughen me up in preparation for a Master’s at seminary…