I’m hungry. Not ravenous, but annoyingly hungry…the little gnawing at your stomach that’s just enough to make you uncomfortable, that you normally would grab a bite to eat to pacify it? Yeah, that’s me right now. And this is only Day 1. I have 3 more to go. I’m such a wimp, haha. I don’t know how Jesus could do it for 40 days. But surely if He managed for 40 days, I can manage for 4. I guess that’s one of the big things about fasting, though–it’s willingly removing yourself out of your own comfort zone for awhile for the purpose of something greater and more important. In my case, prayer about Canada (among other things). I’ve never truly fasted before, so I don’t know if I’m doing enough meditation or if I’m drinking enough or too much or what. But I am slightly uncomfortable, and I think that’s good. If only I were willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of something greater more of the time. Anyone who knows me knows that I love food and the only time I lose my appetite is if I’m in really new surroundings or I’m really upset. So not only is this making me uncomfortable, but also, it’s been a sacrifice. I can’t do one of my favorite things right now–eat, haha. I’m bound to fast solely by my word; I’ve also given my word to at least one other person that I will fast. That’s another interesting thing about this…you realize pretty quickly how much or how little your word means to you when you’re in an environment where “nobody would ever know” and what you want is on the line. I went in the kitchen a few times today and out of habit (and maybe instinct, too) initially thought “kitchen=food.” Especially when I saw food in the fridge and knew I was hungry. But I had to tell myself, “No, get a drink. No food.” So, as you can probably imagine, today has been a day of adjustments. But, at the end of Day 1, I can say it’s been an interesting experience thus far and I’m sure it will become more interesting as the days go on. I may need some cheerleaders if my next entry involves words along the lines of “Need food now!” haha.
Several of you have written entries discussing your New Year’s activities and resolutions. Well, we had spent much of the day coming back from Grandma’s, visiting someone in the hospital, and grabbing stuff from Wal-Mart, so my only activities were to unpack and chill. I think I watched You’ve Got Mail and part of Sleepless in Seattle on TV. And I resolved to sleep wearing earplugs because all around our house people were shooting fireworks all night (as they have today, too). The only deep thought I really had was how much has happened in 2005. It’s been a lot. And from that, I pondered where I would be a year from now. Will I be living in Canada, going to seminary at CSBS? If so, how will I get the money? Will Michelle and I be able to scrape up the funds to go to Canada for Spring Break? What will happen with my family? Will all my relatives still be alive? Who will I meet over the next year? Will I have a boyfriend this time next year (if the past 21 years are any indicator, I would guess the answer to that one would be no lol)? A new year really is such a blank slate. In many cases, situations going on the past year find their resolution, whether good or bad, sometime during the next year. But of course, the same thing could be said about a month, a week, or even a day. The future is just as much a blank slate at those times as it is for another year. Every day, every moment, we’re pretty much clueless about the future. And it’s probably better that way–all the more reason to trust God with it. If we knew what was going to happen, we’d inevitably try to change it, even if it was a mere “tweaking” of minor circumstances.
I don’t know what will happen this year. It’s 365 blank slates to me. I would like to go to Canada. I miss Canada. Tonight my friend Anita from Canada called me, and I miss her, too. Not to mention all my other friends up there. For all I know, this time next year, I could be home from Canadian seminary, visiting my parents at their new residence in _________, and celebrating the New Year with them. Or, I could be working at McDonald’s (which actually sounds good about now haha) in Clinton, too broke to go anywhere, even home to visit. I just don’t know. But I’m trying to trust God about it. If I can manage to do that, despite how I may feel about it, it won’t matter whether I’m in Canadian seminary or American McDonald’s because I’ll be in God’s will. And that’s the best place I could ever hope to be.