Lately I’ve been feeling somewhat subhuman. Not pseudohuman, subhuman. I feel like I’m watching myself slowly evolve into this machine that just spits out work and productivity and does nothing else. I am completely exhausted, I’ll be honest, and I know that goes for the other girls in my tribe, too, who have been pulling school, work, and Rush Skit practices. Apparently it’s been written all over my face, too, as one of my friends told me the other day that I looked physically unwell. But that is truly pretty much all I’ve been doing lately: breakfast, class, lunch, class, homework, dinner, rush practice til about 11, come back and try to wind down, and then bed. I’ve been drinking an awful lot of caffeine lately…usually I’ll drink coffee or caffeinated tea or whatever, but only a few times a week max versus the everyday (sometimes more than once a day) guzzling I’ve been pulling now. But when your days are chock full and you’ve gotta stay awake for all of it, what else can you do? Plus my Plan A for formal had to bow out, so I’ve been trying to think of and negotiate a Plan B. Thanks to all those who have been trying to help me with that.
I’m not wanting to watch myself evolve into some Terminator prototype. Yet at the same time I feel kind of trapped into it. It’s like I can just see Satan prying my grip from my senior resolutions, one by one. I haven’t really gotten to do things I want to do this week..moreso things I’m obligated to do. This is the best analogy I can come up with for my scenario. Say you’ve been feeding a bear for an extended period of time and one day you wake up and think, “Hey, I don’t have to do this. Maybe I should stop.” You stop feeding the bear for awhile, hoping it will get the hint. But it still follows you around. Exasperated, you throw the bear something, hoping it will be satisfied and leave. Except it stays, constantly craving more. And a hungry bear is a mad bear. I fed my “bear” most of last year; this year I’ve tried to stop, but the bear always seems to follow me and catch up with me, and by that time I feel I have no choice but to feed it. Thus the cycle continues.
“The bear” of busyness is even eating into my time with God. Time with Him weighed against time doing school is not even equal, much less correctly proportioned. This is how I know “the bear” is really more like “the roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Of all the times I need to especially draw close to God, this is it, as I’m praying about next year. I’m so close, it seems like. I feel like I know deep down that Canada is indeed the next step for me (and it’s been hinted in enough ways by enough people–nobody I’ve talked to since I got back has discouraged me about it), but I’m just waiting for that final word from God, that last nail in the framework, that starting gun for me to start my next lap in the race. I don’t know how I’ll afford to move to Canada, much less go to seminary there, but I’m thinking God will provide a way. Still, even with all this, I’m not making anything official or concrete until I get that last piece. How would I get it? Time with God. What am I giving away/being robbed of (depending on how you prefer to view it)? Precious, precious time.
So I admit this was pretty much just a silly rant, nothing of value like the thought on our words a few entries back may have been. But I’m thinking I’m not the only one who feels this way, maybe you guys do, too. Maybe there’s something you’re wanting from God that you don’t feel like you have the freedom to seek right now. Maybe you just want room to breathe. (I’d say both apply to me.) It’s frustrating, and it’s easy to let it make you feel crippled and helpless. But it won’t last forever. We’ll get through it.
“As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in Your commands.”